If you’re anything like me, the term self-care might cause an eye roll. Well, it used to at least. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been told the answer to my stress, depression, anxiety, care-giver fatigue, etc. is “self-care.” Don’t get me wrong. I don’t disagree.
My aggravation isn’t due to this advice but rather the advice that typically follows it.
“You have to make self-care a priority.”
Aww shucks. Thanks Captain Obvious. You’ve helped me once again!
If I’m listening to a podcast on self-care or reading a book on self-care or attending a breakout session on self-care at a professional conference, I expect more than being asked to write down what I do for self-care and then told to do it more often.
Yeah, that last part actually happened. I was at a conference for therapists and went to a break out session on self-care where I was assured in my brochure I would walk away with self-care techniques that would work. After listening to a long speech and statistics on how stress affects our bodies and minds, we were asked to make a list of self-care techniques we use, giving each one a check or “X” depending on if it was working for us or not.
Then came the killer advice.
“Stop doing the ones you put an X by and do the ones you checked more often.”
Excuse me?
If something I was doing was working, I wouldn’t be here. And furthermore, if this is the best advice we as mental health professionals can give each other, how are we helping our clients?
Don’t worry. I’m not just here to say “I’ve been there.” After a few years researching and rethinking the concept of self-care, I do have a better answer than my aforementioned experiences. Even a better answer than the latest Buzzfeed list or TikTok on mental health. But since we all love a good list when reading online, let’s make one of our own shall we?
- Lists don’t work…
Just kidding. Well, sort of. I believe it’s important to explain why… Those lists are basically just examples of self-care. I think most people know how those things read: exercise, clean eating, meditation, hobbies, breathing, etc. But try telling someone who is severely stressed that the answer to all their problems is to breathe. Chances are you’ll end up with some choice words flung your way.
- Lists don’t work…A big reason these don’t work is because self-care is not one-size-fits-all. Even if you do find what works for you, it might not work in all situations or every stage of life. Just because meditation and yoga has been a life saver for your neighbor, doesn’t mean it works for your schedule or even how your brain works.
- Know how to categorize your self-care. While specific self-care techniques aren’t one-size-fits-all, types of self-care do tend to affect us similarly. So let’s break them down:
- MACRO SELF-CARE. Basically, I define this as techniques that require people, money, and/or significant time planning. Think girls night out, a vacation, a day of spa treatments, etc. Even certain hobbies fit this category. These can be immensely helpful. However, sometimes the planning of this type for self-care can bring MORE stress. Realizing you can’t afford a trip beyond driving to work and back. Having to navigate clashing personalities for a family dinner. Trying to find a gym you feel comfortable in and can afford. If you know, you know. Why prioritize self-care when it causes stress to make it happen?
- MICRO SELF-CARE. Likewise, this is defined as not needing people, money, or significant time planning. Think stretching, meditation, prayer, and breathing techniques. Before the eye rolls begin, hear me out. How we apply these things matters. But we’ll get into that a little later. Micro self-care is helpful because you literally can’t be kept from it. No one has to know you’re doing a breathing exercise during a board meeting. You may not have time to fit in a workout between your job and bringing the kids to little league, but generally most people can find 3 minutes in their day to pray or meditate.
- CHECKING OUT VS. CHECKING IN. Many types of self-care work by distracting us from our problems. But there is a difference in being distracted by checking out of reality, and distracting ourselves with positive influences that help us face life’s problems. Binge watching a show or gaming temporarily puts us in another reality and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. For those of us who need a quick fix to calm down, it can work. But have you ever stopped doing those things and felt like the only thing you could handle was to eat or just go straight to sleep? That’s a sign you were checking out a little too long. Doing a deep breathing exercise to calm my heart rate and a short prayer to calm my racing thoughts is also temporarily taking my focus off my problems, but it strengthens me to face the things bringing me down.
3. Now let’s find some balance. Choosing micro or macro self-care isn’t an either/or situation but rather a both/and. I firmly believe everyone needs both types of self-care. Planning a vacation (macro) won’t help if money is tight and while deep breathing (micro) is helpful, it doesn’t quite hit your soul like time with your closest friend (macro).
A good rule of thumb is the 3:1:1 ratio. Have 3 micro self-care techniques you know work well for you, with a goal of implementing 1 of them at least once a day. Likewise, have 3 macro self-care techniques you know work well and try to implement 1 of them at least once a month. Of course you can always use these more often as you are able, but the goal of once a day or once a month keeps that self-care as part of your regular routine.
Next consider the balance of your checking in or out: Try to keep your checking out type of self-care to 20-30% or less. Yes, that means the majority of your self-care should help you face your problems, not just distract you from them.
I can’t tell you if exercise, a new hobby, or a guys-only weekend is going to work best for you. But by knowing how different types of self-care affect you and setting goals with a balanced approach, effective self-care can become a reality….
… and not just yet another blog post.